Question of the Day - August 3, 2008
Everybody’s Mother had to attend a lovely summer wedding yesterday, so I neglected to put a question and answer up. But I’m back on track now, so here is today’s question:
Dear Mom,
I’m a single mother and my daughter will be leaving for college 4 states away very shortly. I will be living alone for the first time in a, well, a very very long time. With my nest soon to be empty, I’d really like to get back into going out and dating again. The trouble is that it’s so difficult to find a nice, decent man who isn’t a bum, a cad, alcoholic, or just out for a “good time.” Are my standards too high?
Mom says, Don’t lower your standards or you will only encourage the cads! Pretend you’re interviewing someone for a job: after they pass the first round and get hired, most people are put on probation for three months. Set your goal firmly in your mind: do you just want to date for social purposes or are you seeking a longterm relationship? Are you willing to try dating different people at the same time, or do you always fall for the first nice-seeming man and waste your time dating only one person? If it’s the latter, cast your net a bit more widely, my dear, for there truly are more fish in the sea than you realize.
Take a moment to sit down and contemplate the qualities you seek in a date. You know you want someone who respects you, doesn’t have addiction problems, and isn’t a love-’em-and-leave-’em type. How much do looks, occupation and personality mean to you? What about community involvement, sense of humor, loving animals, etc.: let your imagination go wild with what your ideal partner would be down to the last detail. Then rate the things that are most important to the least important. Put it on an index card in your purse if you have to have something there to remind you when you get all starry-eyed. While on a first date, excuse yourself, go to the restroom, and read your card. If the person you’re with falls down on one of your major qualifications, thank them politely at the end of the night and move on. Don’t feel obligated to go back for a second round if he’s not doing it for you.
Try going to events that please you, whether it be a symphony or an art show, and naturally let your interests coincide with a man who has similar tastes. Ask your friends what they think of a man who attracts you: they can often be your best barometer of who is a good catch or something you should throw back!
And take your time, it takes a while to get to really know someone, so consider the first three months, at least, as a probationary period while dating. If a man tries to rush things, that’s your first red flag, as that indicates he will always put his needs above yours. A good book Mom’s found helpful in explaining the first year of dating and the psychology of relationship roles is Getting To I Do, by Dr. Patricia Allen and Sandra Harmon. While marriage may not necessarily be your ultimate goal, it’s worth a read to get some insight on the inner workings of the human psyche.
Good luck, and thanks for your question. I hope things work out for you, and congratulations on your daughter getting into college!