Everybody’s Mother

Do you have a question for Question of the Day? Email me at mom@everybodysmother.com and if your question is selected, I’ll answer it here, for free!

Today’s question is from a college student:

Dear Mom: I’m heading off to college next month, this is my second year and I think I’m grown up enough to have both a real cell phone and a real credit card. But how do I get my parents to trust me with these? They are only willing to give me prepaid, limited phone and card.

Mom says, I’m sorry to tell you this, but you have to pay for those items yourself if you want them!

Right now your main “job” is to concentrate on your studies and get your degree. Once you’ve done that, you can get a job and a “real” cell phone with a monthly plan that fits your budget. And please, stay away from credit cards. Yes, credit cards are a necessary evil if you have to travel and reserve a hotel room or airline ticket, but you don’t want to build up debt before you start your career. I personally use a VISA debit card for purchases, and have the amount deducted from my checking account: meaning, if I don’t have the money, I don’t borrow it by using a credit card.

Credit cards are not free money, they are unsecured loans, often with very high interest rates. Unless you can afford to pay the entire balance off every month, you will end up paying a lot more for any items you purchase, because of the interest they tack on. Your parents are wise to limit your spending, and while it may seem unfair, they are teaching you how to economize.

I think all college students should avoid credit cards and unlimited cellphone usage. My parents did not give me any of these things, and I satisfied my need to spend by doing things like going to resale shops if I wanted a new outfit. If I had to call them, I used a payphone to call collect, and I limited my phone calls so they wouldn’t have a huge telephone bill. They were already helping me with my education!

There will be plenty of opportunity for you to have “grown up” things after you graduate. Live within your means, and save for things you want instead of borrowing. And before you ask your parents for a credit card again, check out Suze Orman’s website. Click on “Resources” on the sidebar and read the truth about paying off credit cards. Now that will be one of the most valuable things you ever learn, whether you’re in college or not!

Today’s question has to do with money, and hails all the way from Alaska! A woman writes:

Dear Mom,

Money’s kind of short around our house right now. I feel that we will only be young once and should get out before we have a bunch of kids tying us down. My husband thinks we need to save or we’ll never be able to have kids. We can’t seem to agree and now he wants control of every penny in the house. I feel like I’m 10 years old and on an allowance.

How can I get him to see it my way?

Mom says, You’ve run into a universal issue in many marriages: one person likes to spend, the other likes to save. Who’s right? Well, if you are at the edge of financial ruin, obviously you should be saving, not just for future children, but for emergencies. But all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy, and obviously makes Jill pretty grumpy!

Marriage is a partnership, and having one person “control every penny” isn’t okay unless you’ve both agreed to it beforehand. The first thing you need to do is have a heart-to-heart with your husband about your future goals as a couple. Write down what’s important to you both and rate them 1-10 in order of importance. For instance, having children might be a 9 for your hubby, but a 3 for you. Socializing and eating out may be an 8 for you, but a 2 for your husband. Neither one is “right,” but you have to see where each other is coming from before you can compromise!

Following a budget is never easy, but perhaps if your husband sees that you’re willing to compromise, and only spend a certain amount each week toward entertainment and fun activities, he will be more comfortable enjoying them with you. You can also think up fun things to do that don’t take a lot of money, like going for a bike ride, or taking a picnic basket to the park. Then once a month, go out on the town, maybe taking in dinner and a movie, or dancing it up at a local club.

If paying the bills really is a problem, look for ways to increase your income and start your own savings account for entertainment, or maybe agree that all your spare change will go into a “fun” jar, to be used for going out. If your husband refuses to discuss compromises and continues to treat you like a child, start saving for a marriage counselor before you even think about having kids!

Everybody’s Mother had to attend a lovely summer wedding yesterday, so I neglected to put a question and answer up. But I’m back on track now, so here is today’s question:

Dear Mom,

I’m a single mother and my daughter will be leaving for college 4 states away very shortly. I will be living alone for the first time in a, well, a very very long time. With my nest soon to be empty, I’d really like to get back into going out and dating again. The trouble is that it’s so difficult to find a nice, decent man who isn’t a bum, a cad, alcoholic, or just out for a “good time.” Are my standards too high?

Mom says, Don’t lower your standards or you will only encourage the cads! Pretend you’re interviewing someone for a job: after they pass the first round and get hired, most people are put on probation for three months. Set your goal firmly in your mind: do you just want to date for social purposes or are you seeking a longterm relationship? Are you willing to try dating different people at the same time, or do you always fall for the first nice-seeming man and waste your time dating only one person? If it’s the latter, cast your net a bit more widely, my dear, for there truly are more fish in the sea than you realize.

Take a moment to sit down and contemplate the qualities you seek in a date. You know you want someone who respects you, doesn’t have addiction problems, and isn’t a love-’em-and-leave-’em type. How much do looks, occupation and personality mean to you? What about community involvement, sense of humor, loving animals, etc.: let your imagination go wild with what your ideal partner would be down to the last detail. Then rate the things that are most important to the least important. Put it on an index card in your purse if you have to have something there to remind you when you get all starry-eyed. While on a first date, excuse yourself, go to the restroom, and read your card. If the person you’re with falls down on one of your major qualifications, thank them politely at the end of the night and move on. Don’t feel obligated to go back for a second round if he’s not doing it for you.

Try going to events that please you, whether it be a symphony or an art show, and naturally let your interests coincide with a man who has similar tastes. Ask your friends what they think of a man who attracts you: they can often be your best barometer of who is a good catch or something you should throw back!

And take your time, it takes a while to get to really know someone, so consider the first three months, at least, as a probationary period while dating. If a man tries to rush things, that’s your first red flag, as that indicates he will always put his needs above yours. A good book Mom’s found helpful in explaining the first year of dating and the psychology of relationship roles is Getting To I Do, by Dr. Patricia Allen and Sandra Harmon. While marriage may not necessarily be your ultimate goal, it’s worth a read to get some insight on the inner workings of the human psyche.

Good luck, and thanks for your question. I hope things work out for you, and congratulations on your daughter getting into college!

Well, quite a few people have submitted questions already! Here’s an interesting one, from a concerned wife in Arizona:

Hi Mom! Like so many others, my man is driving me crazy. Says he wants to lose weight, but insists on eating ice cream and chips rather than his meals. I’d think that it was my cooking, but, he is also giving the dog ice cream and then blaming me cause she is overweight. He also refuses to eat anything that he suspects might be low-fat or complex carbs. His refusal to even do the slightest thing to help his own health (like stretching before doing heavy physical work) has him hurting himself. What is a woman to do????

Mom says, Ah, if only we could get our husbands to see the light! My husband too, has a sweet tooth when it comes to ice cream. Since I do most of the grocery shopping, I sometimes “forget” to buy ice cream or chocolate bars: if he wants to eat junk, he has to go shop for it himself! I would tell your husband that you are his wife, not the food police, and what he chooses to eat is his own responsibility. Sometimes, when men know they are doing something wrong, like eating poorly, they secretly get a thrill from having a woman nag them. Don’t give him any negative attention and don’t turn into his mommy.

Try a little “doorknob communication”: tell him once, and once only, that you are concerned about how his eating habits are affecting his health, and that you certainly won’t tolerate him feeding junk to the dog anymore (enlist the help of your vet if you need to on that score). Then say, “I am not going to tell you what not to eat, and I will not listen to your complaints about your weight, nor will I listen to complaints about pulled muscles if you don’t stretch before lifting heavy objects. I love you very much and I am not willing to stress myself out anymore based on your choices.” Then walk away and gently close the door behind you, letting him ponder your statement. That’s the doorknob part, don’t engage in the same old nagging routine, which he will tune out: speak your mind and walk out the door, indicating that the discussion is over.

The next time he complains about his spare tire or sore muscles, say, “I’m sorry, but I told you that I won’t listen to that,” and get up and quietly leave the room (quietly and calmly, as any attention, even negative attention, will encourage him to keep it up!). Actions speak louder than words. But do give him a lot of attention when you catch him doing something right! A hug, a simple “I know that was hard for you, and I really appreciate your efforts,” may be all it takes to fire him up and inspire him to do more.

Set an example by paying attention to your own health. Continue to cook and eat healthy meals yourself, and maybe he’ll get some motivation when he hears all the compliments you’ll be getting from others on your trim physique!

Today’s question has to do with gardening:

Dear Mom, my tomato plants are drooping and the leaves are turning yellow at the bottom. I have a few tomatoes but they are green. What do I do?

Mom says, Try some epsom salts! I usually dig a small handful into the soil around my plants to give them a little boost, especially if there’s been a lot of rain. Rain is good, but too much at once can wash the minerals away and plants need their minerals just like you do! More info on epsom salts in the garden from the Epsom Salt Council.

Have a question you want answered? Write to me at mom@everybodysmother.com, and I might choose yours for tomorrow’s Question of the Day!